Marriage Mentors

Today is a good day to die.

Not physically die, but die to my selfish desires.  

Tomorrow is also a good day to die.  And the next day, and the next, and the next. 

I have a problem however, my natural tendency is toward selfishness and pride. Traits that weaken my marriage and leads to distrust and isolation. 

My pride tells me to focus on myself, my wants, my feelings, and my desires.  Left unchecked, it isn’t long before I begin to feel entitled and bitter.

At the same time, I desire intimacy. 

So do you.  

I think we all want to find and connect with that one person who knows us fully and loves us deeply.

Dying every day to my selfishness creates many positive results in my marriage. 

Your marriage will survive for years if you decide to die.  Everyday.

Dying daily enables forgiveness, and leads to a strong and thriving marriage. We must die daily and lay aside what we think we deserve, in order to give love, mercy, and grace to our spouse.

Sadly, we have witnessed self-love shatter multiple marriages.  

So choose to die everyday because the benefits are what we really desire.

A couple of benefits of dying everyday:

Dying daily frees us to forgive.

If you are already ‘dead,’ then there is nothing to lose and nothing to protect.

Remember, when you forgive, you are actually freeing yourself from the prison of bitterness and  pain.  It is our pride that leads us to hold on to an offense and to work it until bitterness takes root.

When we die daily, we kill our pride and open our hearts to healing, reconciling, and restoring.

Dying daily creates marital intimacy.

If you are dead, humility comes much easier, and there is no need to control.  When we die daily, our agendas becomes about focusing on our spouses needs and showing them that they are loved. When we choose that way, intimacy skyrockets.

Self love is rooted in pride and bitterness, and it’s the opposite to marital intimacy. But when we die to ourselves, it will lead us toward a strong and thriving marriage.

So go ahead and die.

G&C

On May 4, 2018 we are hosting an event at Chucks BBQ in Darien, IL called MarriageTime. It will be a casual evening for us to enjoy some beer, good bbq, and a little encouragement as we navigate this thing called marriage.

At MarriageTime there will be dating couples, newlywed couples, and couples that have been married for many years. Caroline and I, who have been married for 21 years, are often asked, “What has kept your marriage together and strong for for so long?”

In other words, they want to know the “secret sauce”.

Guess what? There is no “secret sauce”.

The recipe for a healthy marriage isn’t the same for every couple. Every couple is different, and will require different ingredients to make their marriage work well for the long haul.

What works for one may not work for the other.

But please allow us to share some ingredients you may want to consider to make your “secret sauce”.

Have a common long-term vision.

If your spouse is working hard and moving in a different career direction with different family goals than you are, it’s just going to be a train wreck most of the time. Be on the same page with the big stuff from the beginning, and re-evaluate the marriage agenda every so often.

Embrace each season.

We have a framed picture of our four kids in different seasons of life on our bookshelf.

It’s a reminder that life is full of different season. Each season comes with it’s own challenges and rewards, and we need to enjoy each season best we can.

Caroline and I are currently in the “teen years”, and trust me when I say the challenges are outweighing the rewards in this season, but we are embracing each season together.

Have realistic expectations.

Newlyweds especially need to work these expectations out sooner than later. Bedroom expectations, family expectations, vacation expectations, etc. If you have expectations that are more “Hollywood” than “reality”, again, expect a train wreck.

Have a shared faith as your center.

Live your lives together with your God at the center of your marriage. This doesn’t mean difficult times will pass you by, it just means you’ll make it through them together, with your God leading the way.

Most marriages start off with grandiose vows and pledges to each other, with the added promise of “until death us do part.”  But in order to actually pull it off to the end, you’ll need to come up with your own “secret sauce”.

If you need some help either evaluating your “secret sauce”, or coming up with your first original recipe, let us know. We’d love to help.

G&C

“An archaeologist is the best husband a woman can have. The older she gets, the more interested he is in her.”  Agatha Christie

So in January we wrote about…

• Top 5 Reasons to have a Marriage Mentor
• Why having Marriage Mentors is so important
• What qualities to look for in Marriage Mentors
• How to ask a couple to be your Marriage Mentors

Since you have been thoroughly convinced to seek out marriage mentors in 2018, we hope you’ll find couples that have a positive and lasting impact on your marriage.

We’d like to be one of those couples.

We understand that mentoring is all about relationships, and proximity is important in choosing marriage mentors.  We also understand that having a few couples in different seasons of marriage is also important. Even though many of you do not live close to Chicago, we still want to make an investment in your marriage and give you a few opportunities to stay connected with us this year.

How to connect with us:

• Read our weekly blog posts that will inspire, encourage, and share honest truths about marriage that many couples don’t address. {Sign up for our monthly newsletter, too!}
• Regular Instastories {are you following us on Instagram?}
• We’ll answer your individual marriage questions via email or Voxer. {confidentially, of course.}
• Pre-marriage counseling and wedding services. {Greg is ordained.}
• An e-book with atypical advice for engaged and newlywed couples. {Spring 2018}
• A custom marriage mentoring weekend for you and your spouse at our home in Chicagoland. {this is one of our favorite things!}
• Annual “Marriage Meetings” {more info coming soon! Local friends: Keep the evening of May 4, 2018 open!}
• Mini-marriage tours. We’ll be taking our 1968 Forester Camper around the country making stops in cities to share and encourage couples. {tour dates to be announced later.}

We want to be upfront with you as well.

This is our “passion project”.

We desire to see marriages around the country thrive. That’s it.

We’re not looking to make this a business that creates an income for us.  We both have jobs that provide all that we need.

If you’re interested in taking us up on any of our offers, or if you have any questions, comment below or contact us.

G&C

Nobody becomes an expert on their own. The most successful people and professionals will tell you of a few key people who guided, inspired, and showed them the way.

Marriage is not an native talent. Marriage is a learned skill that needs to be taught by those who have weathered the storms of life.

Since we have already convinced you for the need of marriage mentors here and here, let us give you a few qualities to look for when identifying your potential marriage mentors.

Look Closely

Your marriage mentors should be people with relationships that you aspire to have. You don’t want a person or couple mentoring you that is not capable of sustaining a healthy relationship.

In short, they have a marriage you respect.  It helps if they have a few wrinkles and some gray hair. Experience is key. It’s ok to judge the book by the cover in this case.

Wisdom

Your marriage mentors should give advice that is in the best interest of your marriage. They will not only encourage you and help you find solutions to your problems, but they will also tell you the truth and hold you accountable for your actions.

Vulnerable

They should hold nothing back in sharing their challenges and struggles in every area of their marriage. In their transparency, you’ll find hope knowing they made it through. They share their junk… all of it.

They have done what you want to do.

Some careers and situations have unique marital pressures.  You may need to look for a couple who have not only survived in your particular fishbowl, but thrived and found a life that has served them and their families well.

They live in your world.

They will be stronger mentors if they live in your neighborhood, and are part of your world. Mentoring is about relationships.

These are just a few of the top characteristics we look for in marriage mentors. Make sure to look close before asking a couple to be your mentors.

G&C

It seems crazy there is more training and instruction required by law to get your driver’s license than there is to get your marriage license. There are countless other situations where we are mandated by law to receive extensive training before we are permitted to participate in certain endeavors.  But there is almost zero requirements for a couple to start their journey of marriage.

Caroline and I have done quite a few adventurous things in our lives, including white water rafting down some pretty intense rivers.

Imagine arriving at the drop in point of a river and being informed that during this stretch of the river you will encounter powerful waves and strong currents. There will be multiple obstacles to maneuver around, and if navigated improperly could actually flip your raft.

You are then asked if you would like to take the trip alone, or you could have an experienced guide go along with you. Which would you choose?

You would probably choose the guide. You would want someone who has been down the river before and knows the best direction to take and the obstacles to avoid.

Marriage may be the riskiest adventure we take in our lives. It has its own set of obstacles, strong currents, and dangerous sections. This includes the risk that the relationship might actually capsize.

It’s crazy to think about young couples marrying for the first time and going on the adventure of marriage all alone. They need the help of some experienced guides that have repeatedly navigated the waters of marriage successfully.

The reality is, no matter how long we’ve been married, we could use some experienced guides to help us navigate the next section of marriage.

Who is guiding and speaking into your marriage in 2018?  Too many times when we ask couples that question, we get blank stares or, “we don’t have anyone.”

Marriage Mentors are crucial.

Get one. Get two. Get ten! Surround yourself with marriages you want to emulate.

Good marriage mentors will lead and guide your marriage to protect you from dangerous sections as well as encouraging you to take some calculated risks to have a dynamic and powerful marriage.

Good marriage mentors will keep you on the right track and remind you that marriage done right is hard, but absolutely amazing. They provide a positive perspective in a world headed in the opposite direction.

The voices that you listen to in 2018 will end up shaping your marriage, and your life.

Choose those voices wisely.

G&C